


destruction in reverse

by anniebibananie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), nonlinear timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25973362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anniebibananie/pseuds/anniebibananie
Summary: Her face softened. “Sirius.” She said his name barely as a whisper, and her eyes fluttered shut. As she took another drink of her tea, he felt as if they were both imagining something. A future, perhaps together, but one still steps away. There were so many things that could happen in a few steps. “Ask me again later. The date or the coming home or any of it. Make sure you ask me later.”[snapshots of an almost in reverse]
Relationships: Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Comments: 12
Kudos: 15





	destruction in reverse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OfTheDirewolves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfTheDirewolves/gifts).



> things to note i have literally never read a marlene x sirius story so i truly do not know how people characterize her in fandom. i'm just out here winging it. 
> 
> i am also out here winging chronology and history so if i've messed things up with the world.... pls be kind.
> 
> thank you to maii for the rare pair. i am unable to focus on any writing i need to do currently, so i may be vibing with some more hp rare pairs. we'll see lol

**  
**

> **September 1981**

_“Do you even have a heart, Black?” she’d asked with barely a look over her shoulder, the curtain thick blonde hair of hers staying firmly planted down her back. Her bangs had grown too long, nearly covering her glittering eyes, but they still made contact with his if not briefly._

_He couldn’t even remember the snide comment he’d made before it to cause such a reaction, not when what really mattered was that she’d looked up at all._

_“I’d rather just have yours,” he deflected with a smirk. He didn’t need to see her face to know she was rolling her eyes. He liked to believe there was at least an outline of a smile there._

_“Leave us be, Sirius.” Remus swept into the room, carrying an armload of jars filled with leaves, beans, other things Sirius had never paid enough attention to in Potions to understand. “You’re going to be a distraction.”_

_“But, babe—”_

_“And here I was thinking I was the only heart you wanted,” Marlene interjected with a sharp laugh._

Sirius sighed. The flowers he had purchased were too extravagant, and somehow still not enough. They were a cluster of everything he thought was beautiful, but the gesture strangely felt fake. Marlene wouldn’t have wanted them, really. Though why he thought he was allowed to have any opinion on what Marlene would have wanted, Sirius wasn’t sure. 

“I do,” he said to no one but instead the gravestone that had nothing but dirt below it. Not a body for them to recover. “Not that it matters now, but I do have one.” 

He set the flowers down gingerly. From his crouched position, he trailed his fingers over her name. _Marlene McKinnon._ He’d always liked the warmth of the alliteration, the smoothness of it, because it fit the image of her perfectly.

Marlene wasn’t beautiful the way Lily was beautiful—clean and fair—or the way Narcissa was—from money with an undeniable class, but she was beautiful like sunshine. Sirius hadn’t found a better way to describe it. Marlene was simple, she fit into the traditional constraint of beauty, but it was her energy that sucked people in with a gravitational pull. Her smile made him feel light and something else he rarely felt—hope. 

It was hard when hope was extinguished. 

Harder yet when you thought you may have begun to love that hope, in the strange way you had ever learned how to love anything. 

“I would have liked yours,” he said with a bitter chuckle, “but you could have had mine. All you really had to do was ask, though I think you already know you did.” 

* * *

> **August 1981**

Sirius didn’t know what was worse—a broken heart or one that stayed so firmly in its cage it never broke at all, simply longing for what was beyond the bars. It was safer, right? The cage? 

* * *

> **July 1981**

“Dead?” Sirius asked. The word hadn’t seemed to come from his own mouth. “All of them?” 

Remus didn’t bother saying anything else. Sirius had never been happier to have someone who knew him so well. Instead, Remus planted his strong palm on Sirius’s shoulder and let him curl into himself. He rubbed small circles with the pad of his thumb. 

Sirius sighed, but he felt the break coming. The sigh felt heavy, his chest felt weighed down, and he hadn't known where all this pressure came from and how he was possibly meant to escape it. 

“But she was just _here_.”

* * *

> **July 1981**

_Dearlest Marlene,_

_You should know by now… I’m always Sirius._

_XO,_

_Sirius Black_

_P.S. I’m not sure I agree with you about the waiting._

* * *

> **July 1981**

_Sirius,_

_I’ve thought about it, and I request you ask me again when the war is won. I’m certain you know the answer, but I’d like to know you’re absolutely serious first. If you’re sure now, I’m sure you’ll be only surer then._

_Until then, waiting has never hurt anyone I think._

_With all my love,_

_Marlene_

_P.S. You were right during graduation. I do think about it. Unfortunately, some days all I can do is think about it._

* * *

> **July 1981**

“Can someone explain to me why a picture is necessary?” Remus rubbed the valley between his brows with his pointer finger. As if it could do anything to reduce the stress and exhaustion he was always feeling.

“Someday you’ll want to look back at how handsome we all were,” Sirius supplied with a clap to his shoulder. 

Remus jolted then gave him a soft smile. 

“I’ll always be handsome,” James said. He smirked and Lily rolled her eyes. “But it’s a nice thought, Sirius. Who knew you were so sentimental about our youth.” 

Marlene walked in with Alice and Frank, Frank toting the camera from a strap over his shoulder. 

“Sirius? Sentimental?” she joked. “I think narcissistic was the word I would go for.” 

“You wound me, Marlene.” 

Albus was ushering them all into place before Marlene was able to say anything else, but there was the edge of a smile on her lips. Sirius was half-sure he would do just about anything to get that twitch of a smile, the one that felt like flipping the lights on in a room. Sirius had never known how easy it could be to feel alive before Marlene came and gave him the littlest scraps, made him feel like they were a feast worth living for. 

The picture turned out alright, all things considered. Though Sirius thought if he knew how often he would look back on the picture later, wearing it down around the edges, perhaps he would have shaved. 

* * *

> **May 1981**

The kitchen was quiet at night at the headquarters. Sirius knew it well; he had never learned how to sleep normally. Night beckoned to him, requested from him too many thoughts. The quiet was routine, but he wouldn’t say he particularly liked it. 

He stirred his tea with magic, though he wasn’t actually sure he wanted to drink it. 

There was sound from the steps. Sirius thought it was probably Remus who would perform some sleep charm and beg him to return back up. To his surprise, the door opened and there was Marlene. She was wearing an oversized sweater and blue jeans—she’d clearly come back from somewhere. 

“Marlene.” 

She smiled, but it was an exhausted smile. “Sirius. You should be in bed.” 

“How could I sleep when I clearly knew you were about to return to me.” 

“You sound like a bereft war widow.” 

“Am I not?”

She sat down at the table across from him. Her body slumped, and without a question she reached across the table to take his tea in her own hands. She brought the heat close to her face, smelling, before taking a delicate sip. 

“It’s nice to be home.” 

“The order is glad to have you back.” 

She quirked a single eyebrow up. “Just the order, hm?” 

“I always miss you when you’re gone, but you already know that. Maybe someday when you come home, you’ll be coming home to me.” Sirius had no idea how the words had escaped him, but he realized they were perhaps the truest he’d ever spoken to Marlene. 

Sirius never thought of himself as someone who settled down or was particularly capable of it. People had never labelled him that way, and the perception everyone else had easily leaked into his own. If everyone thought it, it must be true, right? Sirius was good for a fun time. Sirius never took anything seriously. 

But he took her seriously. He always had. He wanted to prove for once that he could care, that he wanted something and was going to be brave enough to stick around for it during thick or thin. 

Marlene looked up from the tea. Her face softened. “Sirius.” She said his name barely as a whisper, and her eyes fluttered shut. As she took another drink of her tea, he felt as if they were both imagining something. A future, perhaps together, but one still steps away. There were so many things that could happen in a few steps. “Ask me again later. The date or the coming home or any of it. Make sure you ask me later.” Her eyes opened, and she gave him a smile he was pretty sure was designed for him. “I missed you, by the way.” 

“Marlene.” He leaned back in his chair. He had no words for it all. “I missed you, too.” 

* * *

> **January 1981**

The room screamed. There was cheering and kissing. The lights were low, and there was joyous music playing as people danced or merely swayed together. 

Sirius had somewhat purposefully removed himself. He knew he could have kissed someone as the new year rushed in, but he hadn’t wanted to. A fresh glass of whisky had seemed far better. 

“No kiss for me?” 

It was as if his whole body sighed with the sound. He hadn’t known in that moment that all he really needed was the soft, assured melody of her voice. He would have been able to sustain himself for a whole new year on one smile alone. 

“I thought you were still off in the wilderness somewhere.” 

She shrugged. “Mission came quickly to an end.” 

“Still top secret?” 

She shrugged again. “Must we discuss work on a holiday, dear?” 

“Oh, dear now is it?” He laughed and swung an arm over her shoulder, tucking her into his side. He looked now to see she was wearing a rather nice pale blue dress. It made her eyes pop, and her hair look more golden. 

“You’ve gone and started missing me, haven’t you?” she asked. 

He detected something in her voice that was wary, nervous. Like they’d stepped too close to the truth. “No, nothing of the sort. I just wasn’t sure who I was going to ring the new year in without you. I thought I’d go without a kiss this year.” 

She pushed him away, laughing all the while. “You still will.” 

He pouted. When she turned back toward him, her face was undeniably fond. “Just a little one.” 

Sirius brought his hands up as if in surrender. “All I would ever ask.” 

Marlene stepped on her toes, hovered over his lips with her own, and diverted to the edge of his mouth. It was light, barely there, but when she pulled back he could smell her sweet breath over his cheek. 

“Happy New Year, Sirius.”

The moment was fragile, beautiful, and he broke it by grabbing her around the waist and swinging her wildly toward the dance floor. 

* * *

> **June 1980**

_Sirius,_

_I apologize I couldn’t tell you in person, but I’ve been sent out again to recover some highly classified materials. I don’t know how long this will take me away, and I know it was a coward’s way out to send this letter after what happened a few months ago (that I wish I had the time or bravery to have this conversation with you in person should be obvious) but above all else there wasn’t time. Or maybe I just couldn’t make it._

_I think a lot about that Sunday months ago Remus and I were working, and I joked about you not having a heart. It was a joke, but it also wasn’t fair. I think you do, Sirius. I think you might actually have the largest one out of all of us. I think that's why it’s so much easier for you to hold it away and pretend you don’t because the alternative makes everything so difficult, particularly in times like these._

_I know you didn’t mean it, when you joked us off the next day. I know that, but it still hurt. So, if I could be bold enough to ask something of you, maybe you could do me a favor and work on opening that heart up while I’m gone. Just a little._

_You deserve to be loved. People who love as beautifully as you deserve to be loved._

_I will see you when I see you, Black._

_Best,_

_Marlene_

_P.S. Congratulate James and Lily for me. You will make the best godfather a child could ask for._

* * *

> **March 1980**

Sirius was at a bar, which he had promised James he would not do when he left their house earlier tonight. He wasn’t supposed to be _seen_ really, but the self-loathing had grown too much. The war had briefly grown too much. He wanted music so loud and alcohol so strong his brain forgot how to work. Perhaps he would forget who he was. 

In four months, Sirius would be a godfather. What a horrible example he would be. 

But why had James and Lily gone off and done something so dangerous? To be pregnant in a time like this. To bring a child into this world. Sirius couldn’t understand that, but Sirius had always tried to save himself from the heartbreak. Take a step back, let the wall between, hope to protect that fragile heart of yours. 

“Black!” It was barely loud enough to be heard over everything else, but Sirius was also sure that he would be able to hear that particular voice in any room. 

She was in velvet and her hair was wild—probably because of the humidity that had traveled its way inside to the dance floor. The eyeliner had melted at the corners of her eyes. Sirius wanted to kiss her. He wanted to kiss the remainder of pink lipstick off her plump lips and keep kissing her still. 

“Marlene.” He was smirking, and tilting slightly. Marlene’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. 

“Let’s get some fresh air.” She interlocked their hands and pulled him through the crowd. When they pushed out into the alley, the difference in sound and temperature was startling. Sirius let go of her hand to fall against the cool brick wall and settle himself. 

“Hi,” he said belatedly. 

She laughed. “You okay?”

“Just a little overwhelmed,” he admitted. “The world can be that way, sometimes.”

She nodded again. “It can be.’ 

“You’ve been gone since the wedding.”

“You noticed.” 

“I always notice.” The words were true, but perhaps a bit gravely from his whisky-tainted lips. 

“I was off fighting the good fight.” Her hands fiddled in front of herself, fingers twiddling around each other. 

Sirius pushed off the wall and took a step toward her. Delicately, he brought up a hand to wipe away the smear of eyeliner with the pad of his thumb. Then his eyes traveled her face, and he noticed she was doing the same to him. They were drinking each other in.

Before he knew what was happening, she propped up onto her feet and kissed him. It surprised him enough for him to stumble a step back, but that brought him to the wall again which stabled him as she _kept_ kissing him. Her lips were like honey. Her tongue dipped into his mouth, and he thought he might be in heaven. 

She pulled back to take a ravaging breath, eyes fluttering shut. “My flat is really close. You want to—”

“Yes.” 

They kissed their way back, giggling and stumbling down alleys and over cobblestones to crawl their way up to her third story flat. It was tiny with only a few feet from the kitchen to her bed, which they made a quick time of falling into. 

Marlene straddled his waist, kissing him into an inch of his life. This was joy, he realized. Marlene McKinnon could transmit joy and love through a simple kiss. She could make you feel like you were the only person alive. 

Sirius pulled back as Marlene slipped the dress up and over her head to drop it to the floor. He ran his hand up her pale stomach, landing on a cluster of freckles near her right breast. “You are… sunshine,” he whispered.

She bent close and kissed the bridge of his nose delicately. “You mean it, don’t you?” she asked. Her face was curious, hopeful. “You actually mean it.” 

“Every word,” he confirmed with a stone cold confidence and seriousness that was out of character. Then he smirked. “But don’t tell anyone because my reputation would—”

Her head threw back with laughter, then he flipped her over and brought her back to the bed and any sound died off into silence and flutters of breath. 

* * *

> **October 1979**

Sirius held out his hand. Marlene was lost in conversation with some elderly relative of James’s who looked delighted to be talking to Marlene. Marlene was the sort of girl that wowed parents and relatives like that. There was an inherent softness to her. 

“I apologize for the interruption, but may I ask for a dance?” 

Sirius thought he’d done enough best man duties for the night to allow himself this interruption. 

“If you don’t mind, Marigold,” Marlene said with a light touch to the woman’s forearm.

“I wouldn’t have you here with me when a handsome suitor is requesting a song. Go, _go._ ”

Marlene took Sirius’s hand with a hint of amusement, but she didn’t let go as they walked to the floor. Her delicate hand stayed firmly in his palm. 

“Let me guess, you’re an excellent dancer.” 

Sirius swung her out and then back into him with a flourish. She giggled. 

“It’s all a part of that pureblood upbringing.” 

Marlene swayed and hummed but didn’t comment. The music turned slower still, and even with a song change she stayed. Her body grew closer, the two of them moved with the music, and Sirius eyed the room to avoid staring at her too much. 

“It’s quite the bit you’ve kept up, y’know,” Marlene said. 

“Bit?” he asked. He liked that she spoke because it gave him the excuse to eye her features. She’d lined her eyes lightly with blue. 

“That you’re in love with me.” 

Sirius smiled. “What has you convinced it’s a bit?” 

“I know your reputation, Black. And frankly, I’m not your type.” 

They’d had a Defense Against the Dark Arts class together their sixth year, and Sirius remembered the way he could be entertained simply by watching her whip her wand faster than everyone in the class. Marlene McKinnon. Good girl. Liked by all because what was there possibly _not to_ like? A little sarcastic, perhaps, but always good-natured. Never past the point of no return like Sirius could easily take it. 

She blew them all out of the water, and she had the rare talent of not turning people off by it. They all laughed when she beat them in a dual. They let her give them tips with pleasure. Marlene knew exactly who she was, and it put other people at ease. 

Maybe he had taken the bit too far. You couldn’t love a person you mostly knew from afar, could you? That wasn’t possible. 

“Maybe someday you’ll let me ask you on a date and prove to you that it’s not a joke.” 

She stilted, but her stiffness smoothed back to fluidity a beat later. “Be careful with my heart now, Sirius. Sometimes I can’t tell what’s a joke or not.” 

Sirius pulled her closer, and Marlene let him. She rested her head on his shoulder. 

“You’re never a joke to me,” he whispered. This time, she didn’t still at all. 

* * *

> **February 1979**

“Let’s bring this meeting to order,” Albus spoke. All conversation died with the authoritative tone of his voice. 

Sirius leaned back in his chair, playing with the mug of tea he’d made so he would have something to do with his hands as he waited for his orders. He wanted to _do_ something, but that would come with time, he supposed. For now it felt as if he was constantly sitting and waiting. Waiting, waiting, _waiting_. 

The door flung open. 

“Ms. McKinnon. We’re happy you made it, please take a seat.” 

Sirius’s chest jolted. That was a worthwhile surprise. 

She found a seat next to Lily, who had chosen to sit as far away from them today as possible because she'd grown irritated with their energy. Lily turned and gave Marlene a smile, who smiled right back. 

Sirius knew he should look away. He did not look away. 

When she caught his eyes she shook her head in amusement. 

_Marlene McKinnon,_ he mouthed soundlessly. 

She tilted her head, hair cascading. _Sirius Black,_ she mouthed right back. 

* * *

> **June 1978**

Sirius was still laughing at Remus swimming in his graduation robes and the infectious cackle of James’s when she walked past. He wasn’t sure why he needed to say anything to her anyways, but her curtain thick hair was straight down her back and her bangs were trimmed to reveal her expressive eyes. 

“McKinnon!” he called. 

Marlene turned away from her friend and gave him a tilted expression. “Yes, Black? What can I do for you?” 

He winked. “You won’t be forgetting me now, will you?” 

She beamed. Her smile was always infectious, impossible to stop from causing your own lips to curve up, and he could feel his own doing just that. 

“Leave the poor girl alone, Sirius,” Lily called from below James’s arm where she stayed happily tucked into his side. “Sorry Marlene. Not even I can tame him today.” 

“Oh, that's alright.” She laughed. Her friend was looking over her shoulder now, probably for whatever they were on to next, and Sirius knew it would only be a minute or so more before she was pulling Marlene along and bringing the moment to an end. “I have to have at least one last obnoxious memory of Black at my disposal so I won’t forget him like he’s so kindly requested.” 

“You know the way right to my heart.” His smile was genuine. The room was warm and Sirius was too (partially from excitement, partially because he’d consumed far too much firewhisky during the ceremony to keep things exciting). “Well, you just keep thinking about that thing you’re always thinking about until we meet again, alright?” 

Marlene shook her head. “What could you possibly be referring to?” 

Sirius held out his arms. “Falling in love with me, obviously.” 

Her head threw back with laughter, and everyone else around them burst into groans and laughter and the lightness of a moment where for now at least everything was good. They were graduating. The future was bright, and when Marlene smiled at him Sirius couldn't help but feel hopeful about whatever came next. 

A war to be won. A future to be had. 

“You have a nice life, Sirius Black,” Marlene said, then she was being pulled away and gave a small wave over her shoulder. 

“I don’t know why you always mess with the poor girl like that,” Lily said. “She’s much too good for you. Certainly not your type.” 

“That’s probably why he likes her so much,” James joked. 

Remus gave him a look. Sirius ignored it because Remus always knew too much, and could say too much to him, with just a look. Sirius wanted nothing to do with it. 

Instead, he turned and watched that golden hair escape into the courtyard. When the sun reflected off it, it was blinding. 

**Author's Note:**

> i spend more time these days on [twitter](https://twitter.com/anniebibananie) than on [tumblr](http://anniebibananie.tumblr.com/) but find me at either place <3


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